Sacrificial Offerings to Universe.

Okay, this will be REAL quick cuz I gotta go to class and turn dis shiz in but I was hopin' to hear thoughts...from my one follower? Whatevs. Just have to get it off my chest and into the universe. So here it is, Universe, have your way with it. Slut.

THE JACKPOT

By Sam Hanson

11/21/12 Version 1

CAST

Sam – Late 20’s

Dylan – Late 20’s

(Sam is walking down a street and he sees a friend he hasn’t seen in a while, Dylan, who looks depressed and a little paranoid. Sam stops Dylan to catch up.)

SAM

Hey, what’ve you been up to?

DYLAN

(Not excited about his news)

Not much. I, uh, won the lottery a few weeks back.

SAM

No way! How much?

DYLAN

(Looking around)

Uh, that $10,000 a week for life thing…

SAM

Are you joking?? That’s amazing!

DYLAN

Yeah…it’s alright.

SAM

Dude, that’s like…

(Does the math in his head quickly)

…$520,000 a year!

DYLAN

Yeah…

SAM

What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you excited about this? Most 

people would kill for this!

DYLAN

(Leaning in and confiding in Sam)

Well, funny you should mention that. I don’t want to sound crazy, but I don’t really trust it.

SAM

Like a lotto curse?

DYLAN

Yeah but like more direct than that.

SAM

What do you mean?

DYLAN

Okay, so I get these checks right? They mail ‘em to me every week—

which is cool but they keep giving me these coupons and stuff.

SAM

…So?

DYLAN

Well, the certificates or whatever are for like, exceptionally dangerous activities.

SAM

(Laughs)

What? What are they for?

DYLAN

Well, the first check had a coupon for a free base jumping lesson and skydiving class.

SAM

Cool!

DYLAN

Yeah, that’s what I thought, but they just kept coming in;

(Dylan pulls a bunch of coupons, certificates and flyers from his 

back pocket and shows them to Sam)

bull riding, shark tank exploration, extreme parkour courses, 30% off firearms at Cabella’s. And then they got even weirder—I got DVD’s on chainsaw carving, how to make meth 101, a lifetime supply of bacon and cigarettes, a free deep fryer and 26 cases of Twinkies…

SAM

You could probably turn a profit with those Twinkies, man…

DYLAN

Sam! Be serious.

SAM

Okay, okay. So what does all of this say?

DYLAN

I think the lotto people are trying to kill me!

SAM

I don’t know, man. Maybe they’re just trying to be nice. Everyone likes free shit, ya know? They’re always throwing money and free swag at rich people. Kim Kardashian will never have to pay for a spray tan or yoga class again in her life. And anytime a celebrity goes anywhere like a red carpet thing, I’m pretty sure they get a free Smart Car and a Labradoodle.

DYLAN

But this is different! A guest spot on Swamp People, Ice Road Truckers, Deadliest Catch and American Idol? That’s practically third degree murder right there!

SAM

American Idol though? …It makes sense.

DYLAN

What do I do? They just sent me one for a Hunger Games simulation. I am so afraid to know what that would be.

SAM

Maybe it’s a friendly game of lazer tag…with arrows?

DYLAN

Sam! Please! You gotta help me! I can’t take it anymore! Everywhere I go all I can envision are Final Destination-type deaths and 1,000 Ways to Die doing an overly dramatic dramatization of my death where I get decapitated by my own surfboard.

SAM

You don’t even surf!

DYLAN

WELL I HAVE A COUPON, SO MAYBE I SHOULD! AHHHHHHHHH!

(Dylan throws the coupons in the air and crosses the street in furry)

SAM

Dylan! Watch out for that bus with the lottery advertisement on it!

 (Blackout and a crash is heard)