Buried Alive in the Familiar Sands

So I've been thinking lately about my talents. Like, actual tangible talents. Not what I like or wish I could be good at. Talents. Things I have done and done well. And not to be a self-depreciating butt-head but...I got nothin'. 

I won't go into a Dashboard Confessional-esque list of things I'm not good at like Cat's Cradle or being loved. But I will however delve into the possibility that I am severely lacking in the passion department. There are very few things that can get me excited nowadays--in either a good way or a bad way. 

I think part of this non-riveting dilemma is due to the fear of being let down. We all do it as part of a defense mechanism. To look forward to something and open up to an opportunity is to also, by the same hand, open up to vulnerability. And where vulnerability lies, as do the choices and chances that we are afraid to take due to the fear. 

So it sucks. 

It sucks that I am basically a Nervous Nancy when it comes to accepting  opportunities, possibilities, chances, choices, leaps of faith and contingencies. (Hello, Thesaurus?) 

Suck. Suck Suck.

So while I buried my head in the familiar sands of Woodstock, IL, Culver's, my mother's home, my friends, my family: I MISSED THE FUCK OUT. And yes, it is never too late for anything ever. But I'm just mad. 

I'm mad that it took this long to realize what was with me. It took THIS long to realize I'm afraid. It took THIS long to find out that I'm tired of being scared. It took THIS long to be ready for fucking chances. 

But fuck it. I'm ready now. And while I still am scared, I know it is not the end. I've seen enough unfairness and heartache to know that while it may be terrible and dumb and shitty, it's almost never the end. And I know that even if I do mess up with whatever ignites my dormant passion, I will be forgiven by those who matter most. My friends. My family. My dog.

"Fuck it!" - S.Hanson: Jumping on stage for kareoke.

"Fuck it!" - S.Hanson: Talking to cute guy at ________.

"Fuck it!" - S.Hanson: Auditioning for The Conservatory.

"Fuck it!" - S.Hanson: Signing up for school.

"Fuck it!" - S.Hanson: Trying something new.

"Fuck it!" - S.Hanson: Trying it again. 

And yes, parentals (Who don't know about this blog, so why I'm addressing them, I don't know), I will proceed with caution and a pocket knife into this 'Fuck it' journey. All I ask is for a little support. And a little bit more money. ((((:

Stay Classy, One Follower. 

MOVING

I'm moving to Chicago, my lovelies. I am so happy but I am also wrapped up in a big ball angst and panic. I think once things become more concrete I will feel better. Until then I will be making a mental list...(and probably a physical list because I LOVE WRITING LISTS) of all the things that I love about Chicago and things that get me amped up and excited for life and stuff.

This post is lame but I don't care. I need to be up in like 5 hours for work but I had to just say it. Sometimes that's all you need to feel better.

Thoughts, consider yourselves released into the wild. Be freeeeeeeeeeeee!

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P.S. Am I the only one who thinks wrap dresses are THE devil? Sure they look cute. But at what cost? Those dresses are the equivalent of 6 necklaces being thrown in a blender. Amirite?